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                          控制改變別人才是一切失去的開始

                          來源: www.numenleather.com 時間:2018-09-03 編輯: 人生感悟
                          控制改變別人才是一切失去的開始

                          焦慮常來自一種不可控感,這種不可控感覺讓然感到不安全,于是越是想緊握手中的東西。有句禪語說過愛一個人就像手握流沙越是緊握越是流失得快。真的是越是控制一個人越是容易失去。

                          諸多焦慮和擔心,害怕對方有天會受不了自己、害怕自己真實的缺點暴露后會被嫌棄、害怕某天自己被拋棄。或者覺得這樣那樣的人沒有安全感,做生意的萬一失敗了怎么辦?年紀小的萬一毛病多怎么辦?所以他們要用大量的證據來證明愛,其實是在證明不愛,然后證明著證明著,就真的不愛了。

                          他們有的人因為缺乏安全感而在關系里焦慮擔心,有的則是缺乏安全感而無法開始關系。我曾被這個感覺困擾,甚至去咨詢在讀心理學研究生培養,當我訴說在婚姻關系里缺乏安全感的時候,朋友跟我說了一句:你缺乏安全感,是因為你太挑剔了。

                          我當時一臉茫然望著她,不知她說的什么意義,甚至懷疑我們的關系。她看出了我的疑惑,呵呵一笑:“你想得有點多了啊!聽我慢慢跟你解釋。”

                          安全感到底是個什么東西?安全感就是掌控感和確定感,即你需要通過內心堅信這個人是不會離開你,你們關系是可控的。當你缺乏安全感的時候,你就懷疑了他會離開你、拋棄你。

                          根據投射理論:你害怕他拋棄你,是因為你先想到了拋棄他。你不相信他不會離開你,是因為你不相信自己不會離開他。所以他應該沒安全感才對,因為你是隨時會拋棄他的呀。然后我的敏感些的朋友會覺察到自己內心這些想法。

                          對自己內心不太敏感的人則會急著辯駁:我沒想離開他呀。

                          先說你為什么會怕他離開。一個人會擔心另外一個人的離開,這里面除了愛,更多的是需要。我們需要另外一個人帶來的滿足感。也就是說當你開始擔心另外一個人離開的時候,一定是他給了你很多滿足感,讓你很享受,你才害怕有天會失去。

                          這時候你們的關系,更多的可能是一種母嬰關系,因為你看不到你對他的付出和他的享受,你看不到他的害怕失去,你的焦點只聚焦在自己身上,在他會不會離開你上。在關系里只能看到一個人,而看不到對方。當然就會害怕被拋棄。

                          不要說“我肯定不會離開他呀”這是真的嗎?他的感覺是這樣嗎?你感受過他的感受嗎?你的世界里只有你沒有他,你就會缺乏安全感。

                          那么你做了什么企圖增加你的安全感呢?

                          增加安全感就是增加你對他的掌控感和確定感,即:你會對他產生很多期待,期待他的行為、性格、職業等方面都按照你的想法的發生。

                          比如你期待他可以按照你的需求給你買花做家務表達愛,按照你的作的方式滿足你的情緒,成為一個積極勤奮上進的人對未來有保障。

                          感悟人生

                          當他的一切跟你想的一樣的時候,你就有了很多掌控感和確定感,也就有了安全感。

                          當他的行為跟你預期的不一樣的時候,你就會體驗到這個人是失控的,沒有安全感的。

                          其表現形式就是挑剔。你會嫌棄他這也做的不好,那也做的不夠。你潛意識里的本意是希望他能矯正這些行為,來讓你更踏實,然后你們關系就可以更親密,你就更踏實的依賴。你的挑剔是企圖把他變成理想化的人以方便你更好的索取。現實卻非如此。

                          現實是,這里發生了兩個心理過程:

                          1.你沒有尊重你們個體化的差異,你企圖控制他了。以一種委婉、溫柔或直接的方式要求他成為你想要的人。

                          2.你把他理想化了,期待他成為你理想中的那個人。你不允許他做他真實的他自己。

                          可是控制一個人,就是他反抗你的開始。

                          可是理想化一個人,就是你要嫌棄他的開始。

                          即使他很愛你,他愿意為了你的要求去改變自己,一次兩次,一次兩次,第三四次的時候,他的潛意識里就會發出吶喊:你這么挑剔我?就是不愛我!

                          挑剔給人的直觀感覺就是:你嫌棄我,不接納真實的我,不喜歡真實的我。

                          當你理想化他的時候,顯然是他無論如何努力,都做不到你的標準的,何況他做不到24小時里事事想要努力實現你的標準。

                          這時候你就會真的嫌棄他,以一種負面、否定的方式表達出來:你為什么做的不夠……為什么你不去做……

                          你對他的不滿,不就是想拋棄他嗎?然后你投射出來,以為他想拋棄你。然后你會用這個想法來誘導他,讓他來實現拋棄你,以驗證你的想法。

                          一個人總是處于被嫌棄、被否定、被挑剔的狀態里,他會做怎樣的反應呢?

                          如果他夠愛夠強大,他會反過來否定你,跟你吵吵罵罵,企圖把你們的關系從母嬰關系變成男女關系,企圖從高貴公主高高在上變成平等的關系。這時候他吵架失敗了才會想離開。因此他能反過來否定你,說明他還是想愛你的。

                          如果他不夠愛不夠強大,他就會接受到你想要拋棄他的信號,直接默默的想離開。累,覺得不能再愛了。是的,他是真的想要離開你的,你的擔心是對的。然后你就變得真沒安全感了。怪誰呢?你通過一系列的否定和挑剔而導致離彼此越來越遠,結果是他真的想離開了。

                          真有聽君一席話勝讀十年書的感覺,愛情的兩個人總是那么愛作,那些作的表面,掩飾是你的不安還是控制感?人還是最愛的還是自己,無可厚非,但絕不能在傷害別人的前提下。

                          愛情婚姻不是1+1=2,而是0.5+0.5=1,我們各自去掉一半,組成一個圓滿。www.numenleather.com 一起感悟人生

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